Monday, June 11, 2018

The body I'm in

Growing up I never remember me being chubby , I was always skinny . I ate more than my siblings still I was skinny . People always thought I was anorexic. Every single relative that I have always commented on my weight over and over again , where ever I would go I would meet people that would say I'm ugly , I look diseased , some even said I should get myself checked for HIV . Its not their fault actually the country I live is habituated to accept curvy body structure only . I think I was in 7th grade where I couldn't handle all these accusations of being anorexic so I started cutting myself , I was a rough child I played too many sports  I always had wounds on my body so my parents never really asked me about it , cutting myself was the way of relieving my anger at that age , I would never wish any child should go throw self harming , Its like some part in you just died, It went for 2years. We bought a dog in this meantime and he kind of bought out the inner peace in me , at one point I was like if he could love me the way I'm I should love myself too. It was so simple like that I stopped self harming and accepting my body structure . Now I think about it my grandfather was thin , my great grandmother was thin and these are the people who raised me , who inspire me I got their bodystructure and  there is absolutely nothing bad about it.

The second blow up angel in my life was my dentist , my teeth come out a bit when I smile ,  and its similar I always got mocked for it , I remember he said " if I would have to get braces that might not work , get rid of my four teeth and wear night braces for rest of my life I would rather stick to my teeth as they are" I donno if there are new solutions now a days but his words made me never wanting to have braces.

When I was 16 or so I had bad acne , terrible menstrual cramps , breast lumps (fibroadenoma) . Every time I had my periods I vomited everything out , I would become severely hypoglycemic and diarrhea , my dysmenorrhea  was so bad at a point I couldn't take it because there were times I had to be admitted in hospital with 70/60Bp . So after a brief study I would cut down my salt , caffeine and dairy intake and still people wont believe how my acne got cleared ,  how the lumps are gone , I don't have cramps of that extreme and I don't have vomitings nor diarrhea . Its so amazing how a simple modification of diet would help me to wide extent , but that was not the hard part many people/relatives I knew started giving me lectures as they were so butthurt that I have completely cut off Dairy and pickles which according to them are major staples of food , It was funny how they would prefer those over me being healthy .  But the end of the day I listened to my mind.

People ask me you are a doctor how can you look like this,  see I'm a skinny doctor whose blood reports , overall health reports are normal , if I have a obese  patient whose diabetic Ofcorse I'll tell him/her loss weight , if I have a thin patient whose anaemic I'll tell him/her to eat well , If I have a healthy patient why would I comment on their body structure .

Even though now a days we have people that support body positivity but it'll take another 100more years for entire world to change,  Instead we can change ourselves , we should make ourselves strong that's the only thing we can do.  Thin,  dark,  fat,  or whatever these are not our flaws they are just our body types  if we are strong enough to accept that , we can accept anything !!!

Saturday, March 4, 2017

A Life Less Depressing....

We all have those days where we feel depressed , cheated , betrayed and life just seems like its going no where . If anyone says they don't have mood swings they are straightly lying. Few people can get through it easily but most of the people including me find it as if they are in a jigsaw puzzle.

I'm very bad at expressing myself to others and most of you might be like that too moreover as I mention in many of  my previous posts there was a time where I was very depressed and never thought I'll get out of it but I did.


A broken heart is ofcourse  the main reason because of which most young people stay depressed these days. The main thing that people don't look at is that you are young and ofcourse it doesn't matter even if you are old but the point is you have a whole life ahead. Just because one person broke your heart it doesn't mean that you will never find someone who will restore your faith. 

There are people who found love in their 60s . One time I was reading this amazing forum written by a lady who was married for 25years then had to divorce her husband because he cheated on her and she writes " At the end of the divorce I feel very empowering because there are many people who cut the chase very quickly and I fought hard to keep it alive for 25years , I would have regretted if I had stayed without trying ,  I got in without any regrets and I'm going out without any regrets"

Many of the people stay in an abusive relationship because of the  fear of heartbreak but listen guys a man/woman who disowns you , abuses you mentally or physically and disrespects you will always disown you , abuse you and disrespect you. They cant change overnight when you get out of it you will regain something you missed, that is "self respect" .


I do read alot of forums where people mention how they are stressed because of work , education etc etc. I'm studying to be a doctor and it's one of the most stressful professions in the world but the way I see it we all should be thankful for what we have . Really!!!

I mean there are parts of world where slavery still exists , there are parts of world where war is going on for years , there are thousands of people who are immigrants having no place to go , in some parts of the world thousands of children die because of minimally curable diseases , in some countries women don't have right to education , there are rape and abuse victims who are still surviving . If I go on mentioning the list will go on ...

I was seeing a documentary of Vice about Japan's suicide forest and I was thinking how easily it is to some people to end their life and in other parts of world people dream to have their life . All these young girls who boss around how annoying education is should know in some parts of the world women struggle even to get out of their house and here you are where your parents are doing their best to make you independent yet you are nagging about it. 

 I was watching this NetGeo documentary where they were asking kids around the world what they wanted to do after growing up and one kid whose a Syrian refugee said "I want to live with freedom". Here we are having all the freedom we want still hating our life just because few phases of our life didn't go as we planned .

At one part of the world people are going in to space , landing on moon and at other part of the world people are still figuring out how to harvest , how to wear clothes and how to build an economy.

Be thankful that you live in the part of the world where you are accessible to clean drinking water , good food  , Internet , medical help etc . It may seem less to us as we are used to it but if  we see it in many people's prospective we have more than what we deserve and we should be thankful to god each and every single day about it. 

  All I can say is everything is going to be okay bad relationships,
bad days , bad life everything has an end.
Choice is with you , wait till the end or 
immaturely end it in between.

And who are we , we are bunch of mammals 
who at one point are going to be mixed in same ground or spread
as ashes in the air.
so live happily as long as you can...

Friday, October 21, 2016


I read an Internet forum recently where a woman shared her story how she had to give up her career after she had kids and I was like wtf!!!

A lightening did struck into my mind in reality more than half of the women give up their dreams after having kids and mostly kids won’t give a shit about it in future…

I’m not against having kids but seriously when you are giving up your career just for kids you are litrally digging up your own hole….

I think one should never give up their independency for anyone including kids , be the one whom your kid will look upto not a stay at home mom. I’m not against housewives but their is nothing great in depending on someone at some point of life you will feel suffocated but you will have to stay because you have no where else to go.
If you have dared enough to create a life then dare to save your own life rather than regretting it. Its easy to leave behind and it’s very hard to hold on but holding on gives you ultimate happiness…

Another common thing is women like me who absolutely don’t want to have kids are treated like shit in the society. Whenever I say I don’t want to be a mom most of the people say I’m less of a woman..

I don’t want to have kids because I choose not to and I clearly feel like many women have Kids due to this mere peer pressure of society. If you are over 30 concentrating on career over motherhood you are a stubborn, selfish wench..

Being a mother is a great thing but leaving behind what you are just because you are a mom is stupidity .
Finally I’m not saying choose career over kid I’m just saying balance both but never leave behind your career . Only you can save yourself from anything, we all get one life to live so live to the fullest , never abandon your dreams for anyone this life ain’t coming back and last but not least independent mother will always inspire  …..

Saturday, July 30, 2016

Being irresistible

I’m not a person who is likable in first meeting I mean when I was a kid people loved my ideas of being independent and gender equality, as I grew up still some extent people loved them but now when we finally crossed our 20s people started hating them all of a sudden….
Most people who were completely encouraging the idea got married and started to contradict me I mean ladies in their 20s litrally see me as a psychopath.
Irony is that I never urged people to change I never told them to be independent it was my own view from the beganing.
Seriously guys I’m never against marriage but get married, cook for him , clean for him , become directionless , wait for him to come home I’m against this whole process. If someone willfully want to live that life I’m not against them but it’s not my cup of tea.
So after reaching 20s many started to hate my views only because even if I get married I wanted to be independent, I wanted to have kids like after 10–15yrs or never because it is never my priority, enjoying my life , reaching high peaks of my career ,travelling and helping my community is my first priority not having a baby in my belly. P.s I don’t hate kids I have litrally babysat all my younger cousins , kids are real angels in the world.
I’m not saying people who have kids doesn’t enjoy their life it’s just that people who have kids have a solo goal that is to have a child and people with my mindset are not fit for it. In India where I live by the time you reach 26 you are supposed to get married and have a kid  . The people who are raised with this mindset hate me . The thing I don’t understand is when they are free to hate my views I’m free to have views isn’t it ???
Yes I never wore a saree but I’m true to my ethics , I don’t like going to temple but I read Bagwathgeeta daily , people like me are like onion peels there is still lot more layers inside us. Society just sees the outer coat and decides we are mean ruthless posh chics ruining Indian culture.
Why do you think I get hate inspite of not bothering anyone well it’s because I thought differently not like a typical Indian . India is a community where still things are ancient I daily see patients who are married off at 17 or even less get pregnant within a year not given a chance to think if they want it or not and not to mention most of them are forced to have a male child.
If someone like me with open mind live in this society they are continously mocked until you give up because according to most people here you have to be someone’s wife and someone’s mother to be approved in the society. Even if you are married if you say I’m a doctor or engineer or scientist rather than someone’s wife you are bad.
Most of my friends say it’s better to leave the country but if all people like us leave the country who is going to change it. When I thought it’s slowly changing I have seen underaged gals getting married and forced to have kids.
If every educated like me chooses to be a puppet for the society’s sake when is it going to change. When will people start to think getting married or having a kids is just a part of life but it’s never should be made as someone’s solo goal.
The whole point of writing this post is if you are a supporter of gender equality and freedom just like me you should probably be getting hate and being mocked by everyone just learn being irresistible they may hate you but they’ll never forget your views and ideas …
NOTE: I’m not a lonely depressed person I have ton of friends who support me ,my childhood friends are still my best friends blessed to have them ✌.

Saturday, July 2, 2016

They said I was ugly

Being an Indian I would say body shaming is like one of the things I don’t like in our community. I’m skinny and I’m subjected to body shaming almost every single day of my life.

There was a time when I was very much effected because of it I used to stay away from people , parties and reunions etc .

So heres the thing I never through out my life did fasting, I can’t bare hunger, I love eating I’m a big foodie and an awesome cook. So it was never like I didn’t eat I always ate still stayed thin.

From childhood where ever I go people would say I’m ugly because I’m super thin. All those distant relatives or family friends. I remember once it was my cousin’s wedding one old lady she saw me and she was like my god she’s very thin and ugly how she’ll get a husband in future and all that. It’s not like I’m super thin I’m 5’5 and 50kgs , it’s just that my bone weight is more and people who are close to me know I eat like a pig. Travelling and eating good food is my thing but I seriously never understand why I don’t grow body mass.

After this social media came and it kind of became hell for me at one point because almost every week I used to get atleast 5 messages on Facebook from some friends saying I’m thin and ugly, when ever I uploaded any pic of mine (it happens even now) people would comment saying you are a doctor but you look like a patient or simply “thin”, many times it hurts because they are family.

Outsiders comments didn’t hurt me much because I always had a shield of friends from childhood but when my own family used to do it I was very hurt . Like very recently some one very close said “you would never find love of your life because you are thin and unattractive” .

Sometimes my mom’s friends would show up all those overly obese women would tell me that I’m ugly and thin.

I in perticular hate this in India because if you are fat or skinny these people no matter how good you are at studies, how well you are in your profession all will either comment on you or show pity because according to them if you are skinny or fat you are ugly and you can’t get a husband and you will forever stay alone.

There was a time when I went for all those silly tests like for thyroid , type 1 diabetes , hb% my levels were normal and I didn’t have any disease , my doctor kept telling me you don’t have anything wrong with you its just your body type but I had to do it because there were bunch of people who were completely nagging me that there was something wrong with me and half of them were closely related to me.

It was in med school where I really realised because I didn’t had those shield of childhood friends this time , I was very much on my own and it was just matter of realization. I started not to care , I was so positive about it and people saw me all the time so slowly all would know that I eat more but stay thin yet outside med school still this positivity doesn’t work because I still get comments from like family , long lost friends and sometimes even strangers.

I have heard the word ugly and thin so many times I guess it made me super strong. I remember once a stranger in a bustop she actually called me just to tell me I’m ugly and thin I replied to her sarcastically “thanks , what can I do I’m not as beautiful as you” and I still remember her face she was so awestruck in guilt .

I mean in course of life we only remember people who hurt us more but we always forget people who admire us for what we are I mean I remember when my 12th was coming to an end there were so many people who advised me to take modelling instead of med school , there were boys who said I look good, I remember an incident it was new years eve I was waiting for my friend there was this boy who came and gave a rose flower to me and said I’m just giving it to you because you are so beautiful ( l didn’t take the flower I got scared and walked away) , there are friends of mine who always say they are jealous of me because I eat too much and still stay thin anyways I just wanted to make a point that there was/is so much good happening in my life and I was depressed seeing the negative side instead of seeing all the positive things happening around me.

I don’t how I got the realization almost 4 years back probably because of all the new people those came into my life . There were times when I cried alone because I don’t like crying infront of people now I just stay happy and I just compensate all those sad days by staying happy everyday. I got so many baes and most importantly I love myself more than anything.

So all of you who are facing body shaming like me please just don’t care , enjoy what you have, most importantly love yourself. People will comment but what is important is what you think of yourself.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

A confused life

Moving around the hospital daily I never understand one thing that why people cry so much for small wounds which will recover some day. Are they crying because of pain? But why? Don't you think the real pain is given by life itself??The pain of loosing some one...The pain of betrayal...The pain of being alone...The pain of being tortured...The pain of getting cheated...I wonder why people never understand this..we care, we mind , we cry for those who never even consider us and at some moment of life we forget about thepeople who had always been with us, we hardly thank them.why would some one jump from a hill top for a girl he loves at the same time why would he never think about his parents who are living for him???why do people who make us cry become special and who give us time become ordinary???why do people cry when someone die? death is bitter truth of life isn't it? why would people never want to believe it??I know everyone including me live with these assumptions but just felt like writing about it...

Saturday, May 9, 2015


Is it a man's world we are living in ? Male domination I know its always subjected to feminism let me clear you all that I'm not a feminist I just believe in equality I donno if it happens in your country or not but it happens everywhere in my country so I have written a small poem on it....

A woman says....

You just called me dumb,
I was born just like you with many dreams and aspirations,
I have forgo my dreams for your sake and to take care of our kids,
I did it because you can't,
Then how can I be dumb?

You said I can't wear this,
Can you be comfortable wearing what you don't like?
You can't,
Then how can I be?

You tell me to listen and do whatever your parents say,
If  I ignore even once you scold,
I become bad,
But have you ever listened to my parents even once?

I cook , clean and set up a better home for you,
Not because I'm a maid or your wife,
I do it because I love you,
I expect you to do the same for me.

For all the lies you said to sleep with me,
For all the lies you said to marry me,
I forgive you,
Not because you are superior to me only because I love you.

When ever you ask for dowry it hurts me,
Because I never wished to buy you,
And what price would you give me?
For taking care of you till you die.

I know I'm a butt of jokes on the internet,
I just want to remember all the special days I spent with you,
Is it wrong?
I just expect you to feel special about me like the way I  do about you.

When you are caught having an affair I forgive you,
Not because you are superior,
Only for all those beautiful memories you gave me,
You also know you can never do the same for me so be thankful.

When I was young most men looked at me vulgarly,
As of I'm an object,
Now I get the same feeling of creepiness from you,
What should I do?

I don't want kids because I still have dreams to fulfill,
But you and your family want,
So I bare utmost pain and bring them into this world,
And you never help me in taking care of them.

Do you think I deserve it?
No it don't ,
I deserve much better and independent life ,
I'm doing all these just because I love you.

So whenever you see a woman,
Don't mock at her ,
Don't pass vague comments on her,
Don't look at her private parts vulgarly,
Don't touch her vulgarly and pass as if you didn't,
Don't eve tease her,
Respect her for what she is,
Yes you have heard right respect and equality that's all what she want.


She is the one who can go through utmost hardships for you,
As a mother, wife ,sister,daughter she never disappoints you,
Admit it she's the creator of the world but she never shows it,
She makes you miss her in her absence,
She's filled with elegance,
She can make you cross continents in her love,
She teaches you what love is,
She teaches you how to care,
You feel  warm and secured under her arms,
She makes you feel special,
Out of all the people in this world she's the only one who genuinely trusts you,
When you are at your low she's the only one who supports you.


She doesn't deserve to get raped ,
She doesn't deserve to get scared and terrified when ever she's alone,
She doesn't deserve to be restricted,
She deserves much more,
If she's the creator of this word she can also be the destroyer,
So please don't awake the bitter side of her.

          In the dreams of equality